Starley: Space Quest
by kudizmcfield
Summary: Tension Bulids Up for Starley and Casey


Starley: Space Quest

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DEAR GOD, IT WASN'T A DREAM

Act One.

Scene A: The Starley Residence, early morning.

Straley enters wearing a dressing gown. she is obviously still half-

asleep. Casey is in the kitchen and Viacom is busy cleaning the

dining table. Starley yawns.

Viacom: Oh, good morning, Miss Meringue. . Not a morning person, are we?

Well, never you mind. I am. Can't very well be a good health

care provider if you're not up with the cock. I've already

taken your father for his morning constitutional. Such a

remarkable man - thirty years on the police force. I can

understand why you'd want him to live here, although not many

Doughers would do that, not without getting paid for it. Anyway,

coffee's made, and I took the liberty of doing a shop. They

don't serve much tripe in Tangline City, do they?

Starley: [still groggy] And you are...?

Viacom: Viacom. Viacom Moon. I moved in yesterday. You hired me to take

care of your father.

Starley: [realizing] Of course. Forgive me, I'm not quite myself until

I've shaved and showered.

Viacom: Oh, yes. I completely understand about one's morning ablutions.

I, for instance, can't stand myself 'til I floss all that gunk

out of my teeth...

Starley: [interrupting] Miss Moon! For future reference, if you could

just keep your ablutions on a need-to-know basis? Thank you.

[goes into kitchen] Now, my coffee.

Casey: [doing a fry-up] The half 'n half's curdled, and the garbage

disposal's jammed.

Starley: [pouring his coffee] Good morning to you too, dad.

Casey: Morning was two hours ago. And close that barn door, we got

a lady in the house now.

Starley adjusts her robe, then tastes her coffee. she is not amused.

Starley: Hey, this isn't my coffee. Where's my finely-ground Kenya blend

from Starchucks?

Casey: That's it. Viacom put an eggshell and some allspice in it.

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Starley: [pouring it down the sink] Didn't that just dress it up?

Casey: I like it. Gives it a zing. Now, come on, sit down. Your breakfast

is ready.

he leaves the kitchen with a plate full of fried food.

Casey: [following] Oh, no, dad, dad, look, all I ever have is a bran

muffin, and a touch of yogurt.

Casey: Ah, girlie food. Besides, I already fixed your breakfast. Now,

I made you "Eggs in a Nest."

Starley: Ah yes, the Meringue family specialty. Fried eggs swimming in

fat, served in a delightfully hollowed-out piece of white bread.

I can almost hear my left ventricle slamming shut as I speak.

Casey: You want cheese on that?

Starley: No. I'd like to leave some blood flow for the clot to go swiftly

to my brain. [to herself] Can't have my coffee, can't have my

breakfast, [sees Casey's chair] Oh god, it wasn't a dream. I'll

get him for this. [to Zane] And his little dog, too. [opens

front door] Where's my paper? Who's stolen my paper? Mrs. Norton,

you old bat, I know it's you!

Viacom: Yoo-hoo? It's right here, we brought it in for you.

Starley: [to outside world] Sorry, sorry. [closes door and examines

paper] Oh, wait a minute, this... where's the rubber band?

This paper has been read.

Viacom: Well don't worry, we won't tell you what's in it.

Starley: That is not the point. Dad, dad? Come and sit down please,

would you?

Viacom: You're going to give a speech, aren't you?

Starley: Oh, that's right, I forgot, you're psychic.

Viacom: Yes, but I think anyone could feel this one coming on.

Starley: Let us get something clear. I am not a morning person. I have

to ease into my day slowly. First I have my coffee - sans

eggshells or anything else one tends to pick out of the garbage.

Then I have a low-fat, high-fiber breakfast. Finally I sit

down and read a crisp, new newspaper. If I am robbed of the

richness of my morning routine, I cannot function. My radio

show suffers, and like ripples in a pond, so do the many

listeners that rely on my advise, to help them through their

troubled lives. I'm sorry if this may sound priggish, but I

have grown comfortable with this part of myself. It is the

magic that is me.

Casey: [to Viacom, while exiting to the kitchen] Get used to it.

Viacom: I know this is a stressful time, and this is new for all of us,

but I'm sure that soon we'll all be getting along swimmingly.

[looks down at Starley's robe] Ooh, six more weeks of winter,

I see.

Starley closes her robe. She sits at the table and starts reading

the paper. Zane comes over and jumps onto a chair to stare at her.

Starley: Down Zane, down. [Zane doesn't move] I said down. Good boy

Zane, just get down. Good good, Zane get down. Zane, GET

DOWN! [Zane still just sits there, staring at Starley] Dad,

dad, I can't read my paper, Zane's staring at me.

Casey: Why, you do make quite a picture in the morning. Just ignore

him.

Starley: I'm trying to.

Casey: I was talking to the dog.

Starley goes back to her paper, holding it up to block Zane's view.

He slowly lifts it far enough to see Zane still staring at him. She

gives up and walks towards her private bathroom. Zane follows.

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Starley: Don't even think about it! [he leaves, Zane follows]

FADE OUT

Scene B: KACL

Starley is doing his show.

Starley: You're listening to Miss. Starley Meringue. Our topic today is...

intrusion. Those who encroach on our sense of personal space.

The neighbor who plays his stereo too loud. The person who

sits next to you in the movie theater when there are fifty

other vacant seats. Now let's return to our calls, and let

me remind you once more, that our topic today is intrusion,

since so many of you seem to be forgetting that.

Rory: Miss. Meringue, we have Leonardo from Everett, on line two.

Starley: Hello Leonardo, I'm listening.

Leonardo: [v.o.] Oh, hi Miss. Meringue . Ah, I'm a little nervous, but ah...

well, here goes. Several years ago I became afraid of large,

open spaces. Like, if I went to the mall, I'd break out in

a cold sweat, I'd get so scared that I'd have to run home.

Starley: Yes Leonardo, and your comments on intrusion?

Leonardo: Nothing. Just that, now I'm afraid to go outside at all.

I haven't seen another person in eight months.

Starley: Well Leonardo, it sounds like you may have a very serious

condition known as agoraphobia. But you're not alone.

Leonardo: But I am alone, Miss. Meringue.

Starley: Listen Leonardo, I'm afraid your problem is too difficult to

deal with in the time we have remaining, so if you stay on

the line, someone will give you the name of a qualified

therapist. Well, that's all the time we have for today.

You've been listening to Miss. Starley Meringue, KACL 780.

Stay tuned for the news. Then next up, Bob "Bulldog"

Briscoe and the Gonzo Sports Show. I never miss it. [off air]

Yeah, right.

Rory: You want your messages?

Starley: Oh, listen Rory, just hang on to them. I think I'll stay in

here for a while. Today more than most, I feel an overwhelming

need for solitude. I've got a fascinating book here, a

comfortable chair and a soundproof booth.

Just as Starley leans back and opens her book the door opens

and TriStar-Mario walks in pushing his props trolley.

TriStar-Mario: Hiya, doc. How're they hangin'?

Starley: TriStar-Mario, what are you doing here?

TriStar-Mario: We lost transmitter link power in Studio C. I gotta do my show

from here.

He bangs the gong and blows his whistle, indicating Starley

should leave.

TriStar-Mario: Hey, where the hell's my Cosell tape? Somebody stole my Cosell tape!

THIS STINKS! THIS IS TOTAL B.S.! THIS... oh, here it is.

Starley: [preparing to leave] Let me just get out of your way.

TriStar-Mario: Oh, by the way doc, doc, I heard what you said to that kid who

fantasizes about killing his parents? You know what I would

have told him? Sports. You go out there, break some heads-

[hits himself on the head to illustrate] That'll turn him

around.

Starley: Yes. If only Jeffrey Dahmer had picked up a squash racquet.

[goes into Rory's booth]

TriStar-Mario: Hey, where the hell's my Lasorda tape? THIS IS TOT... ah, got

it.

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We follow Starley into Rory's Booth. Rory is on the telephone.

Rory: [to Starley, as she starts to exit into the corridor] Hold on

a second, I have to ask you something. [into phone] Samon? I

broke up with him three weeks ago. The sex was okay, but he

was kinda limited. [Starley moves to leave, Rory stops her] No,

no. [into phone] It wasn't that Samon was bad in bed. I mean,

he knew where all the parts were. Unfortunately, most of them

were his. Yes, totally passionless, it was like he was thinking

of someone else. I know I was. Somebody's here, I gotta go.

Alright? Talk to you later. Bye, mom. [hangs up]

Starley: That was your mother?

Rory: Yeah, why?

Starley: You talk to your mother like that?

Rory: Well, we're both adults. We talk about everything.

Starley: Well, isn't that healthy.

Rory: What, you don't talk to your dad like that?

Starley: Oh, hardly. We hardly speak at all.

Rory: Really?

Starley: Ah yes, well you know, we're just not really similar people.

In fact, my Cousin and I are a lot more like my mother.

You know, if it wasn't biologically impossible I'd swear

that dad was dropped in a basket on our doorstep.

TriStar-Mario: [from other booth] Hey sweetcakes, you seen my engineer?

Rory: I think someone's talking to you, Starley.

TriStar-Mario: Come on, come on, come on!

Rory: [into mike] Yes, he called, he'll be right here. [to Starley]

So do you want to go across the street and have one of those

expensive coffee drinks?

Starley: Maybe some other time. Right now, I'd like to continue my quest

for solitude. I'll go somewhere where my father, Mary Poppins

and the hound from hell can't find me. I think maybe I'll just

go sit under the shade of a tree and read in a quiet park.

[exits]

FADE TO:

THE BEST LAID PLANS...

[Over the screen we hear the sounds of a thunderstorm.]

Scene C: Starley's Apartment.

He enters.

Starley: Hello. [realises the room in empty] Hello? Dad? Viacom? Zane?

[takes off coat; to herself] Could it be?

He arranges his book on the couch and pours herself a drink whilst

humming the Toreador song from "Carmen."

Starley: Toreador,

Don't spit on the floor,

Use the cuspidor-a

What do you think it's for-a?

Drink in hand, she relaxes into the couch and starts reading.

Within seconds, the door opens.

Viacom: [to Casey]...so the elephant says, "He's with me." [they both

laugh] Oh, Miss. Meringue, you're home. We just got back from your

father's physical therapy.

Starley: Oh, glory be. Oh, happy day. Not that I'm not delighted to see the

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two of you, it's just that I'm in the middle of a very exciting

chapter.

Viacom: Ooh, I understand. So why don't I pop into the kitchen and brew

you up a nice pot of tea?

Starley: No, I just poured myself a glass of wine, thank you.

Viacom: [pointedly looking at watch] I see. [leaves]

Casey: [sitting in the Chair] Whatcha reading?

Starley: Oh dad, you wouldn't find it very interesting.

Casey: I might. Any good?

Starley: Well, I haven't formed a opinion yet. Oddly enough, I'm having

a little trouble getting into it.

Casey: [after a moment's silence, indicates book] Thick.

Starley: Dad will you... Listen, I don't want to offend, but if you

wouldn't mind, could you just leave me alone, let me read my

book?

Casey: No problem.

Casey sits quietly, not looking as Starley reads. This finally

irks Starley.

Starley: What are you doing?

Casey: I'm leaving you alone.

Starley: Well, it's very annoying!

Casey: Ah, what's your problem? You've been sucking a lemon all week.

Starley: All right, all right, I'll tell you what my problem is, I can't

get a moment's peace alone in my own house.

Casey: Well, forgive me. When you invited me to move in I didn't realise

I had to stay chained to the radiator in my room [starts to

leave]

Starley: [quietly] Perhaps only evenings.

Casey: I heard that!

Starley: Well, of course you heard it, you're never out of earshot!

Casey: Ah, you know, you've always been like this. You were always

a fussy little kid, and it's gotten worse ever since. You and

your precious morning routine. You gotta have your coffee, you

gotta have your quiet, you gotta have this, you gotta have that.

Well, aren't you the little hothouse orchid.

Starley: Hey, hey-hey-hey! I don't have to sit here and listen to that!

Casey: Ah, if you want everything so perfect, why don't you go live

in a bubble?

Starley: Oh right, oh well, right now it sounds very inviting!

she storms out the front door and slams it behind her.

Casey: [sitting down again] Finally, a little peace and quiet

around here.

End of Act One.

Act Two.

Scene A: Cafe Tangline.

Starley is sitting, reading his book as Marvin walks in.

Marvin: Hello there, Starley.

Starley: Oh, what fresh hell is this?

Marvin: That's a nice way to greet your Cousin. [to waiter] Café

latte, per piachere.

Starley: I'm sorry, Marvin, it's just I've been trying to read this book

and it seems no matter where I alight I get interrupted.

Marvin: Oh, "The Holotropic Mind" by Stanislav Grolf. I love his

conclusion that a change in breathing patterns can induce

alternate states of consciousness.

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Starley: Great. [slams book shut] Now you've ruined the ending!

Marvin: I'm sorry, that was inconsiderate. [the waiter brings his coffee]

Mille Grazie. [to Starley] So, how's father?

Starley: Father? You mean the man who's driving me crazy? The man who

makes me dread the sight of my very doorstep? The man who just

drove me out of my own home?

Marvin: And how's work?

Starley: Marvin, I don't know what I'm going to do. Dad and I had another

fight. I'm afraid if we stay under the same roof together we'll

do irreparable harm to the relationship we have as it is.

Marvin: Well, what are the alternatives?

Starley: Well, if I didn't feel so guilty I'd, I'd do what I should

have done in the first place: just move dad and Viacom into

their own apartment.

Marvin: Oh, for goodness sake, Starley. It hasn't been that long, you

have to give it a chance. And you might remember why you moved

him in in the first place.

Starley: Refresh me.

Marvin: You wanted to get closer to Uncle Casey.

Starley: I still do. There isn't anything I'd like more, but he makes

it impossible. I can't read my book, I can't have my coffee,

I can't have any peace in my own home.

Marvin: So what you're saying is, you want to be closer to Uncle Casey, but you

don't actually want him around. Ask yourself Starley, have

you tried to sit down and talk to him - I mean, really talk to

him?

Starley: Well, I... [she thinks about it] Maybe I haven't done my best.

I guess I owe that to the old man, don't I? Well ah, thanks

for the chat, Marvin. You're a good Couisn, and a credit to

the psychiatric profession.

Marvin: You're a good Couisn too.

Starley gets up and leaves.

A COUPLE OF WHITE GUYS SITTIN'

'ROUND TALKIN'

Scene B: Starley's Apartment.

she arrives to find some of his furniture piled up beside the door.

Starley: Viacom? What are my things doing here? My leather wing chair?

My Kusami lamp?

Viacom: [entering from back, carrying a box] We're putting them in the

storage room, in the basement. There was no room for them in

the study once we got my furniture in. We discussed it last

night, remember?

Starley: Of course, of course.

Viacom: I was just on my way to ask that peculiar little man from

building services to give me a hand moving them.

Starley: Oh yes, DJ. Well, give him my regards.

Viacom: Remind me again - which one of DJ's eyes is really looking

at me?

Frasier: The brown one.

Viacom exits via the front door. Casey enters from the bedroom.

Casey: Viacom left your dinner in the fridge, if you're hungry.

Starley: Well thanks, but I'm not. Ah... Dad, I'm sorry about the blow-up

earlier.

Casey: Ah, forget about it. I already have.

Starley: You know, I guess there's no secret that there's been a lot of

tension between us, and I think maybe one of the reasons is

that we never have a chance to sit down and talk. And I... I

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thought we might have a conversation.

Casey: Right now?

Starley: Yes, I think now would be a good time.

Casey: Later would be better.

Starley: It doesn't have to be a long, drawn-out conversation, I'm

talking about three minutes of your life.

Casey: Well, I hope it is only three minutes, 'cause my program's

coming on.

Starley: Well, alright. If it'll make you any happier I will get the

egg-timer and I will set it for three minutes.

she does so, and they sit at the table.

Casey: So what do you want to talk about?

Starley: Well, the idea is for us to have a normal, honest conversation

like two normal people without getting on each other's nerves.

Ready? [sets timer] Go.

Casey: This is stupid.

Starley: [stops timer] One second? That's our personal best? Let us see

if we can beat it. [sets timer] Ready? Go.

Casey: So how about those Seahawks?

Starley: [stops timer] No sports.

Casey: All right. But no opera.

Starley: Agreed. [sets timer] Ready? Go.

Casey: [pause] This is your idea, you say something first.

Starley: Alright, alright. I'll, I'll tell you something about myself

that ah, that you don't know. Ah, six months ago, when Lilith

and I were really on the rocks, ah, there was a time of

depression I went through that was so terrible I actually

climbed out on a ledge and wondered if life was worth living.

I... And then I thought of Merina.

Casey: And you didn't jump, huh?

Starley: Good, dad.

Casey: Wow. I never knew that.

Starley: Well, that's the point of this whole experiment. To tell one

another something that we don't know about each other. Something

vulnerable. Now it's your turn.

Casey: Okay. [thinks] Well, about two months ago, I was in the basement,

going through some old pictures of your mother and me... and all

of a sudden something flew up in my eye. And, when I was trying

to get it out, I realised I could turn my eyelid inside out,

the way kids do at camp.

Starley: That's it? You call that vulnerable?

Casey: It hurt.

Starley: Oh well... I'm not talking about that kind of pain, I'm talking

about your emotions, your soul. Some sort of painful, gut-

wrenching experience.

Casey: Other than this one?

Starley: Oh, God! Always the flip answer.

Casey: Well, this whole thing's stupid.

Starley: Well, not to me. Oh, how should I expect anything out of you?

You are the most cold, intractable, unapproachable, distant,

stubborn, cold man I've ever known!

Casey: You said "cold" twice, Mr. Egghead.

Starley: Egghead? Egghead?

Casey: You said "egghead" twice, too.

Starley: Oh, you are so infuriating!

Casey: Well, you're no day at the beach either. You know what you are?

[the timer bings] I'll tell you later, it's time for my

program. [moves towards Chair]

Starley: Dad, I don't think you see how serious this is.

Casey: Oh, will you give it a rest?

Starley: We're not getting along, and it's not getting any better. I'm

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not sure how to say this, but ah... I ah, I'm afraid I'm gonna

have to...

Casey: I know what you're trying to say. "You want what's best for

both of us." You want to get me out of here, then you can have

your own space, and I'll have my own space, and we can put an

end to all this bickering.

Starley: Well, yes. I guess it wasn't so hard to say after all.

Casey: Except for one thing. I'm not going.

Starley: What?

Casey: Look, you want us to forge some great father-Dougher relationship,

to make some connection. Well, that kind of thing takes a couple

of years, not a couple of days, doesn't it? You're the shrink.

Starley: Couple of years, huh?

Casey: Ah, it'll go by before you know it.

Starley: Either that, or it'll seem like eternity.

Casey: I'm willing to give it a shot if you are.

Starley: Okay.

Casey: Great. How about you and me having a beer together?

Starley: Wow. You know, in all these years you've never asked me that.

I'd love to have a beer with you, dad.

Casey: Well then, you better haul ass, 'cause the store closes in ten

minutes.

Starley: Right. [exits]

End of Act Two.

ONE MAN'S STORAGE ROOM

IS ANOTHER Women'S SANCTUARY

Credits:

Close up of Starley, reading her book. The camera pulls back to

reveal she's in the storage area, sitting on her leather recliner.

Guest Appearances

Guest Starring

TriStar-Mario

Leonardo


End file.
